Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Finding the New Normal

What even is normal?  A discussion with a friend the other night made me realize I don't know what  "normal" feels like anymore. I have said several times over the last few years that things will get "back to normal" soon, like after the divorce was finalized, or once I was back in school, then once I was done with school. I keep pushing back deadlines and waiting for some mysterious force to magically make me normal. Now I don't dare assert that I or my life have ever been "normal" in comparison to the rest of y'all, I merely mean normal FOR ME.  

Now I know this next statement is going to shock many of you, but life doesn't always go according to plan. I know, I know, this is brand new information! You would think that I would have figured this out before now, but, while I have had a basic understanding of the concept before, I am just now beginning to fully comprehend what this REALLY means in my life. I'm currently staring down the barrel of the ever frightening 30th birthday.  I have been struggling with this date for the last three years or so, constantly examining where I thought my life would be by now, where it actually is, where it's been, where I want it to go, and how none of those seem to align.  Please don't tune out yet, this is NOT a woe is me post. Yes I've been through hell and back but I've also loved and been loved. I've laughed and played, I've sung in Europe, I've danced in the rain; I've held brand new babies and watched them explore this huge world. I have had an incredible life. I have been blessed beyond measure. And I'm just getting started! So why is 30 so damn scary? (Keep in mind that in Mormon years, this is really like turning like 45)

I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother.  I am neither. To say that my biological clock has been ticking for a while now would be like comparing Big Ben to a wristwatch. I used to say that I would never be able to be truly happy without those things. I know you're not supposed to wait to be happy until XYZ, and I felt guilty, but I simply couldn't imagine a point in my life where I would be okay without those things. I would be fine, I'd get by, I wouldn't mope around as an empty shell, but that there would always be something missing, a piece of me that wasn't complete. As I get older and remain single, I'm realizing that part of understanding the whole "life doesn't go according to MY plan" is to stop looking for and waiting for those things in MY plan that might never happen. I get told all the time that people don't understand why I'm still single, and I agree, I'm AMAZING so I'm not saying that I'm never going to be married, I of course still hope that I will someday be a mother, but I'm loud and can be annoying; I'm opinionated and intimidating so it's not beyond the realm of possibility to say that it just might not happen in this life.  And who's to say that even if I should get married, we'll be able to have children. It's not a guarantee, and even if it were, my life doesn't just stop to wait until those things happen.  When I was going through my separation, I had several people surprised that I was able to keep up with my responsibilities. But life and the world didn't stop just because my world was crumbling around me. There were still babies to watch and hospitals being built by offices that needed assisting, and friends that needed my help and support. There was still life beyond my plan. The same applies here, but instead of my world collapsing around my ears, my world is incredible. I'm doing what I've wanted to do for the longest time, I'm putting my degree to work. I get to play with lots of different babies and sing and dance and not have to do the dirty work. I can have girls nights and play dates and late nights at work without having to worry about my family at home. (Louie is very forgiving as long as he gets snuggles and treats.) I can travel when my budget allows and continue to perform and do theatre. That will have to do for now. This is my normal for now. Don't get me wrong, should some knight in shining armor come riding up on a white steed and sweep me off my feet, I will happily allow him to impregnate me. But until then, I will continue to sing and dance and play and laugh and be happy. 30 is still scary, (because I'm a 21st century female and we've been told of its horror for years) and I am guaranteed to still have my moments. But I'm a work in progress. This is me. Finding my new normal. 

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